I have had several people ask how I am doing, so I thought I would post today about my thoughts on the surgery. I have wanted to avoid a mastectomy at all costs ever since being diagnosed. I cannot say, even now, that I am looking forward to this surgery and what it means. I do believe, however, that this is the way the Lord is leading, and I have peace going into the surgery that this needs to be done. I understand a little what Christ must have felt going into the crucifixion. He certainly didn't want to be crucified. This is evident when he said, "Father, if it be possible let this cup pass from me." He also knew however that this was the Father's will. It was the reason He came in the first place. While Christ lost his life, I am only losing my breasts, and it is no where near the same thing. The feelings are similar, and it is those feelings that cause me to realize, even now, He is being touched with the feelings of my infirmities. He knows what I am experiencing and that thought alone gives me comfort.
Perhaps some would say surgery should have been done sooner, or that I should have done other things first. Perhaps they are right, but whatever the case I am where I am. I cannot go back, nor would I if I could. I can only go forward from where I am.
I do have fears. As is true of most of us, I fear the unknown. I know that recurrence, while rare, is a possibility. My original tumor was still stage one. It was not supposed to have come back. My margins were clear after surgery. I didn't even need chemo. As you know, it came back. Now that the tumor is growing through the skin, I don't know where the cancer cells may be. Perhaps they are contained in the tumor; perhaps they aren't. Perhaps some tumor cells will escape during surgery and grow yet again. Perhaps they won't. Most of the time I don't dwell on the possibilities, however I must admit I do think about them. It is those uncertainties that I fear the most.
I will post sometime after surgery how the recovery is going.
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