Let me start this post by saying that this post is not for any of you. This post is for me. It is a way to organize my thoughts. You can listen in and get some insight, but this is going to be very personal.
I told You, Lord, no matter what the result of my surgeon appointment I would give you praise. I praise You that from the ultrasound images yesterday it looks like the tumor is exactly the same size as it was a year ago. That is phenomenal and truly an answer to many prayers of many people. I praise You because it looks like there is nothing remarkable in the lymph nodes. You are truly a God that works wonders.
But Lord, I have a difficult decision ahead of me. I was given the same options I was given a year ago. I can do another lumpectomy, but this will require radiation which is carcinogenic as well as 5-10 years of pills every day. That's 1,825 pills--one a day every day or as many as 3,650. Another option is for me to have a mastectomy. If I go this route, there is no radiation or pills. I would end up doing a double mastectomy because I am a visual person and I think I will be able to handle seeing a symmetrical me easier than one natural breast and one manmade one. No offense to any doctors, but no matter how perfect a woman looks hidden behind her clothes, when you look in the mirror after a mastectomy even with a reconstructed breast you never look the way you do when God made you. You can't, and there is no doctor out there, no matter how good, that could ever do that.
My third option, and one I need to consider Lord, is to do nothing and either wait another year to see if the tumor is dead after the mistletoe treatments, and still not growing, or to go back and resume mistletoe treatments. All three options need to be considered.
Almost four years ago, I would have rather died than lose my breasts. But four years is a long time to have cancer constantly in your brain eating away at you even if it is only in the background. Never knowing what it's doing. Never knowing if what you are trying is actually working.
From the time we are 2 or 3 years old, Lord, it is ingrained in us that we are boys or girls. Most of the time, babies first words are Dada or Mama. We don't understand all the ramifications of what it means that we are girls or boys, but as we grow and hit puberty the distinction becomes even more evident. Being a woman is part of who I am and have been since birth. God, you designed it that way. But when a person is faced with losing part of what has been so long ingrained in them, it is hard.
You have allowed me to nurse 4 babies with those breasts. You have allowed my husband and I to receive pleasure from them. No matter how much society tries to tell you that you are not defined by your breasts, that is not completely true, for You designed us from the beginning to be male and female. That includes breasts for women.
I struggle, Lord, with the fact that I could have my breasts removed only to discover the tumor is actually dead. I struggle with the fact that the tumor is 5 mm. That's the size of the eraser on the end of a pencil. I am tired, Lord, of fighting only to have this same tumor regrow every 2 years.
Through all of this, Lord, my main goal is giving You glory. I do not know how to do this. I cannot see the future to know who will or will not ever be affected by my choice to remove my breasts, if I choose to do that. I am honestly not sure how I will deal with losing my breast. I am also not sure how I would deal with having radiation only to discover in 5 or 10 years I have more cancer. I cannot make the decision to leave things just to prove that You can heal the cancer, for I have no assurance that You will do that, and You could have healed me with no help from me or doctors. We cannot make decisions based on what might or might not be. We can only make decisions based on the knowledge we have at the time.
There are many people out there who think they know what they would do, Lord. For them, this choice may be easy. Some would tell me it is ridiculous to take off both breasts for a tumor that small. Maybe it is. Others would tell me I should have just had the mastectomy, after all I don't really need my breasts to function. Some would say, given the knowledge that the tumor hasn't grown in a year, they would just wait. But none of them are me, and I find this decision so much harder than that for some reason.
When I went to the surgeon, I was ready to have surgery if need be. I still am. I just do not know what You want me to do. Had they told me the tumor went from a stage 1 to a stage 2 or 3 the decision might have been easier, maybe not. Am I learning more about myself through this? Am I learning more about You through this? Will I be able to use this in someone else's life down the road? What will give You the most glory, Lord?
I told the surgeon I would give her an answer in a week. I will continue to seek Your will, for no matter what I choose to do You can work all things together for good without any help from me. I love You.
No comments:
Post a Comment