Day 3 post surgery

Today's post is for the ladies.  If you happen to be a man and reading this go ahead and skip it.

Ok, ladies, I'm going to get to some specifics here today.  First thing I've noticed since removing my bandages is that I am numb in my armpit.  That's where the incision site is and they do it there so the scars aren't as noticeable.  I appreciate that.  I really do.  From what I read the numbness will go away.  The really weird thing is that, while my armpit is numb, I can still very much feel my incision site when I move my arm.

The next thing I have to say is that I do not look like I used to.  Yes, the scars will be relatively hidden when all is said and done.  Yes, when I am fully clothed you cannot notice a difference, or at least I can't.  Yes, my bra fits pretty much the same.  Yes, I am grateful to still have two boobs.  But I do not look the same underneath all of this.  There is nothing that will bring me back to looking like I did before.  To those who think that I can have surgery, be done with the cancer, and get back to life as before...that will not happen.

Cancer changes you.  There is no way around it.  It's not just a physical change either.  It's mental.  My mother's cancer changed me.  At the very minimum I realized how very quickly someone can be taken out of your life.  For Mom, once she was diagnosed, we had 13 weeks.  For others, like the families of those in the boating accident in Missouri it was overnight.  I mean, we know life isn't guaranteed, but until you lose someone that quickly you don't really grasp what it means.  It's not real.  My cancer has changed me.  I've said it before, but I'll say it again.  I have realized that I do not know what I will do in certain situations until I have to make the choice.  I find myself judging others less for the decisions they make because I'm not the one making the decision.  I used to think right was right and wrong was wrong and I found myself judging others who made different decisions than what I would have.  Yes, there is right and wrong, but I've come to realize that some choices are just that choices.  Just because one choice is a good option doesn't make another choice wrong or bad.  Both choices could be right and good, or what is right for me may not be right for someone else even given the same circumstances.

Every day for the rest of my life I will be different.  If I have to live with the physical changes in order to remember the mental and emotional changes, then so be it.  The changes are worth it.